Let There Be Light

So, I wrote yesterday about how I haven't been receiving any correspondence from my buddy in jail. Well, I guess that triggered something in the universe and I got a letter from her today! She's now written one to my six letters. Well, if that's how she wants the ratio, then I'm sending 12 today. I will expect 2 letters from her ASAP! ;)

Anyway, I was really excited when I opened the mailbox and saw the letter! To my dismay, there was little to get excited over as the letter was not good news. But I was truly touched by the whole exchange in the end.

Before you read it for yourself, you should know a little about my letters. Since I don't have them anymore, I can't let you read them but, they all pretty much consisted of me telling her the things I admired about her, wishing the best for her and hoping that the cell mate she has, now that I've left, is treating her well. She's a very religious woman and I know how much God can help people through the worst of times, despite my lack of faith, so I ended all my letters with a verse from the Bible, the most uplifting ones I could find, in the hope that she would find her own comfort there.

So she wrote:

Hi Baby!

How are you? :) Well me, I got robbed for everything I had. I went off on them and got sent to seg. (for those who don't know, seg is like solitary confinement) But you brought a light to me when I got your letter. You know how I was feeling about myself. Thanks for lifting my spirits when I needed it the most. How in the Hell did you know I needed you? Yes, I cried. Somebody knows I don't deserve this shit! But they can't keep me down! I'm getting my visits, yes, my husband is here to visit me two times a week! I love you. Got to go to group so pray for me and be good to yourself. Tell your family I said Hi.

God Bless You

So... needless to say, her cell mate obviously wasn't very good to her, she lost her temper and got sent to seg. And after all that, I was able, in however small a way and without even knowing it, to bring a light when she needed it most. Take THAT prison!!

Journal Excerpts

The back of my neck has never felt so cold. I splashed warm water over my face and nearly choked on the sudden comfort of it. My neck feels colder in it's comparison.

Heavy fog floats perfectly still between tree trunks and parked cars. A bird flits to a higher limb that sinks to its weight disturbing the smokey fog before the bird takes flight again. There is light but no sun.

I'm so sick of the same music always playing. I'm so sick of the same damn TV shows. Tired of feeling so bored of everything around me. Tired of waiting for something to get excited over.

Brave scenarios play in my head over and over again. They're exciting and new. It's easy pretending but depressing to know at the end of the day I'm still just as chicken shit as I ever was.

"You're supposed to feel..."
You suppose me to feel?
Fuck off.

I've been sending letters to my cell mate twice a week. She's never responded. It's almost like she doesn't exist. Or like I never existed there. It's really weird to feel so disconnected and there's no way to know anything about that world. Not that I should care. But I do and I don't know why.

I've got both hands in my pockets. What the hell, Alanis?