Moderation on Cut Me Deep

Hey Everyone,

This is more of a public service announcement than anything else. We have been getting a crazy bitch (everyone already knows who she is - it's all about motherly love) posting useless crap in the comments of my journal. It's because she has nothing better to do and because she is almost dead as it is. So she needs to feel like she is leaving something for the world to read. Who knows, she is literally crazy and on some crazy meds.

With all that said, all comments now need to be moderated... awesome. If you would like to thank this women for ruining some of the fun to cutmedeep.com feel free to comment this blog.

I know, I know, it's not like us here at Cut Me Deep to have such a ridiculous boundary, but, we need to also keep the crazies at bay. She actually thought of it as a power battle or something, haha. Oh my god, what an awesome day it has been.

Ya see, I tried my hardest to keep things civil and just delete her comments, but that's not good enough. To completely understand this person, you need to know that she is a control freak. If she doesn't at least think she power of a situation she refuses to take her meds, and from there it just gets really bad.

To be completely honest, she actually threatened to talk to my "landlord" and have me kicked out, haha. She was desperate to stop me from doing this, but oh well. We can't blame her for a weak mind. In fact, here is a little poem she wrote me in a text message to make me stop doing this....

"Remember, shit you throw you usually step in..."

Very out there and poetic, I think. For some reason she doesn't to think this pertains to her as well. Oh wait, but she said it, so that must mean shes void from it. Who knows what her thinking is on that... nuts.

I originally reacted by saying that I was going to post a journal entry about her life, and all the truths she doesn't want heard by the rest of the world. She freaked out! I probably would too if I had as many secrets as that, but in the end, I felt too bad to do it. It's her business, and I am bigger than that. It would just be playing her game anyway.

Ok, sooooo, comments are to be moderated (retarded) and lets hope we can continue all our lives in peace. Of course, when your mother is a 3 years old, it's hard sometimes.

Abortions for Global Warming

I formally submit this idea for the restoration of our planet and the cure for global warming. It's a long term plan that should cut down harmful, atmosphere killing pollutants. When looking at what really causes the problems on this earth, it's obvious that we are the leaders in the planet killing.

I propose we set a mandatory abortion rate set all over the world. For instance, North America must perform 3 billion abortions in one year. China must perform 50 billion abortions every month. This would bring down the rate at which we create other vessels to kill the world.

I know that most of you out there are saying to yourselves "what a horrible thing to say". But is it really? After a while, people can start making games out of it. It would be like a party trick or something. Whoever gets the most abortions wins! Then, they have to finish their beer.

I have had a girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend) who had two abortions. No, they weren't mine. She was completely fine with it. In fact, I thought I saw a smile on her face as they turned them into scrambled eggs. She was kind of sick though....

To get serious for a moment, kill all your babies, and save your earth! It's that simple. I am hoping that in the future women actually protest this movement, so that we have to force them to get it done. That would make it much more fun for the rest of us. Maybe.

That's right, there's no god here.

What's Wrong with Me?

I wish I knew a complete reason why I feel this way all the time, and why I can't just make it go away. Even on the ride to work this morning, I practically started crying for no reason. There is no reason for me to feel this way, ever. So why is it ALWAYS this way?!?! Is this how you all feel all the time?? If so, then I don't want to be like you anymore. I have been doing everything I have been told to do, and the only thing that seems to have gone away is the constant anger for who I am (which is just another issue all together). All day today, I have been thinking of just walking away from work, and just seeing how far I can walk. Just leave everything behind, and see what happens.

I know this feeling will go away... at least that's what I hope. That's probably why I didn't just run off and say fuck this. The way it has usually worked, is that I will be extremely happy for about a month, then just ok for like two, and then horribly unhappy for a month. That cycle just repeats forever. But now a days, it's like I only get a day of being really happy and 4 months of this horrible feeling. When will it just fucking stop?!

I guess there is no answer found here. The only thing I can do, is just sit here like the domestic cow I am, and do nothing. There is nothing for me anywhere, and I just have to deal with it I guess. It's almost kind of funny how the dreams of a child turn into what ever the hell this is.

Fuck it. Whatever.

The Many Names for Jonathan R. Jansma

This got brought up at some point this past weekend. I don't remember how it came up, but I thought it was actually kind of weird. I have many different nick names. It would seem that each one either fits a different personality or an atmosphere. Let's run through them and see what's what....

1: Jon
This one is obviously my real name shortened down. I would probably consider it the folder in which all other names are organized. Usually I hear this name when I am in trouble, or made someone mad, disgusted, or just plain unhappy. When this name is called out, it almost seems as if I am being put back into place. This name basically brings me back to the real world if I am floating too far off. In general I am pretty depressed all the time, and becoming one of the other people in this list helps to keep me here.

2: Double J
This name is only used when I am at work. My boss, Shawn D. Nelson, found out I was called DJ Double J back in the day and I guess it just stuck. I like to think of this name as the attempt to make an office atmosphere into a "let's hang out and be friends, bro" workshop. Even though no one here is actually friends, it makes them feel better to pretend we are.

3: Jebus
Only close friends and relations call me Jebus. I like to think of this name as the fun and crazy dude that binge drinks, calls you a whore, and then screams fuck you as loud as he can. But, he is also the dude that can actually care about other people with actual emotions. Realistically, every other persona I have is pretty dried up in the emotional department, but Jebus is all about sharing his love. Unless you piss him off... then he changes back into Jon real quick, and he's dangerous... Jebus is the name used to make myself feel better about being me. He is always right next to the other names waiting for his chance to make things fun.

4: FASTERCHILD
I would consider this persona to be the business side of things. He is all about getting shit done, and getting it done right. Sometimes, it's hard to get FC out from under his house of rocks, but when he finally emerges from the rubble you better be able to keep up. I think I like this guy the best, but it's just so damn draining to be him all the time.


There used to be many more, but they all got phased out after time. Even though these seem like enough names to get me through the day, there are billions of different people living up in my head. Sometimes, it truly feels like someone else is taking control of who I am. I wonder if that's a serious problem or not? I guess if I've never experienced anything else, how could be a problem, right?

I think it's all good anyway. No one would ever want to know Jon anyway. He sucks.

What Has Shebus Been Up To?

For the past couple of weekends everyone has been asking me, "What is going on with Shebus? Where has she been?". Well, here is the break down as of late...

She hasn't actually been hanging out with us lately, because she got a new boyfriend. Great for her, sucks for the rest of us. Either way, not a huge deal.

AN UPDATE - Last night, not sure when, she was arrested for rolling her LoveSac van into a ditch. The charges are as follows...

1: DUI.
2: Driving on a suspended license due to a previous DUI.
3: Taking a right curve incorrectly.
4: aaaand something else. I don't remember.

Anyway, this was all weird, because the actual crash happened a couple months ago. Let's see some pictures of the wreck! Yay!












































Wonderful huh?! Don't worry though, she wasn't really hurt in the actual crash or anything. It's cool. We do kind of miss that van though. It was a pretty kick ass van.

Anyway, so she needs to go to court on May 6th. I will hopefully have some good news about it after that. And yes, we know we know, you can say I told you so as much as you want. We just didn't want to believe she was ever going to get arrested for it, ya know?

The Weekend That Never Ends

Wow, this weekend was crazzzzy. It was the longest weekend of my life! For some reason, it seemed like the days never ended. I am not even saying that as a bad thing, it was just weird. We would be on our way somewhere and my brain was like "who is it still the weekend?! You need to get to work there buddy". Let's go thru the breakdown shall we :)

Friday: We all went to Up or On the Rocks in Hartford, CT. Look West was playing for a full 2 sets. When we first got there, I was kind of bored. But later on, it seemed to get much better. Most likely because I was getting much drunker, but whatever. We watched them play as we tossed back a few. I was drinking for free because I was with the band, so that made it very kick ass. Everything was going pretty well until Meriden Jay needed to close out his tab. Obviously, I was there to help a brother out, haha. I can't remember what we got, but it made me decide that I wanted Jack and Coke, and I wanted it NOW! So, I had to open another tab, and close it out all in one order. The limit on tabs was $20.00 so I didn't think it would be too bad. I ordered 4 Jack and Cokes, gave one to Jay, one to nick, and I don't remember what happened to the fourth one, but I can only assume I drank it. Anyway, I was blaaaaaasted. When I woke up the next morning, I had no recollection of what had happened at the bar. But, I brought my video camera to the bar, luckily. Turns out, I am not a fun drunk... I am just straight up weird. It would appear that I turn into a freak. From filming people cutting themselves, two women making out, and molesting our friend Pam with the camera, who knows where it all ends. From what I DO remember, Ashley and I got into her car, and got extremely lost trying to get back to Brian's house. We were driving around for like an hour. It was absurd. All in all it was an awesome time though. Thanks to Nick for the invite.

Saturday: I woke up in the morning at my mothers house.... weird. After that, I headed out to hang with Nick and some of his friends out in New Britain. Needless to say, whoever it was that gave me directions, was not born to give directions by no means. But, I did happen to find the spot without incident, so it was fine. I am horrible with names, so descriptive names will have to do. At the house was Metal Lady, Matty.... C?, Spanish Chick, and Computer Girl. Yea I know, none of those nick names are too creative, but deal with it, that's what they're gunna be. Basically, we just kind of hung out, drank a beer or two, and talked about everything you could ever imagine. Oh, and yes, when you aren't around, you're women does talk about you to her friends, and not in a good way... I was a little taken back that they were as open as they were, but in the end, they were some pretty awesome ladies. Ok, after that, I needed to go to Robin's Birthday Party over at Devils Hopyard. It was pretty chill, at least for the time I was there. Basically all the Meriden crew was there. After that, Chris and I met up with Marq at a gas station in Cromwell so that we could follow him to a party in that area..... we turned out to be a half hour late.... sorry Marq. Anyway, we meet up with him and I need to buy some smokes. I go in, ask for them, and she asked me if I was 18. I said "no". She practically flipped out! I quickly shot out "I'm not 18, I'm 24". She calmed down a little bit, I apologized a bit, and she turned out to be a huge bitch. So fuck you gas station attendant. After that we met up with two of Marq's friends. They seemed pretty cool, which then lead me to believe that the party we were going to was going to be full of people like them. Well, I was wrong. We get there and the house is full of people who actually have goals, dreams, and a great life. It was depressing and we felt out of place. I mean, think about it. If you know us at all, you know what our parties are like, and there is nothing fancy about it. It's raw, it's dirty, and everything is broken by the end of the night. With that said, we opted not to have Nick come. It's not just him per say, it's the fact that if we had anymore of our actual crew there, we all would have become unstable. So, we deal with it for a while, try and make our way around the social network, and see what happens. Nothing to bad really happened. We had to not say "Gay" as much as we usually do, though. Turns out that 70% of the women there were lesbians and I think I saw a couple gay guys there as well. I don't personally have a problem with that, we just wanted to be careful. I think gay people work out a lot or something, I didn't feel like getting my ass kicked. After a couple games of beer pong, we decided to leave there and go to Brian's house. They had a band over to hang for a bit. I think there name was Gone by Daylight... maybe... either way, they turned out to be pretty cool dudes, and a little bit crazy... Me and Marq came up with a game to hurt myself as well. He would stick the wood poker into the fire, and after it's hot I would see how long I can lick it for. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. Turns out, it was not as good of an idea as I originally thought. The next day everything tasted like Styrofoam. How pleasant right? After that me, Nick, and Chris went to hang with the New York women. They were up for the Look West show. It was pretty cool. I was pretty drunk though. Almost directly after we showed up, there was a group of people that decided they wanted to party with us. They were pretty out there, as in loud, crazy, all over the place. After they were finally booted, the night calmed down, and most of us passed the fuck out. It was probably about 7am by the time we all finally fell asleep.

Sunday: This day was the most unexpected day out of all of them. It started out by waking up at the hotel room we partied at the night before (so, we only got an hour of sleep or something like that). Then, we bounced to an all you can eat Chinese buffet out in Berlin I think. It was a pretty banging spot. Even the sushi was amazing. Wish I could remember the actual name of the restaurant. Regardless, I was hung over, dieing from lack of sleep, and couldn't eat too much. It was such a waste of a great opportunity. We left there, and went back to Chris's house. Once there, we watched some movies, and vegged out. We were all about to pass out, right then and there, so we decided we needed to do something before our Sunday is wasted. We hopped in the car and headed down to Harbor Park in Middletown, CT. We skated a bit, recorded some weird shit, and then hit the bar for a couple of Jack and Cokes (seems to be our thing now a days). At the bar, we filmed some people, drank our drinks, and met up with Lija. Then, we went back to Chris's house to get some serious drinking on. Crazy, crazy night.

As you can see, this weekend was full of crazy shit. If I left anything out, please remind me. My memory is not as it used be... I wonder why?

Free Sex with Hardcore Porn Star Action

I got to thinking a little while ago just how different life would be if I had made some different choices during my short time of life. I don't think I would be who I am at all. Going back and thinking about it, there were many different cross roads in my life that yielded many different out comes.

For instance, the one I was thinking about the most today, was I had the chance to become a porn star. Sounds weird to say out loud, or even say in my head. My brother, Ian, knew someone that lived out in Cali who was actually all up in the business of adult film making. If I had decided to move out there and become a porn star, just imagine how different I would be! There were obvious reasons why I didn't get into it, but a part of me still thinks "what if?".

Another good example, what if I had actually cared about school studies? I dropped out of my original high school. It just moved to slow, and I hated it. Therefor, I didn't get very good grades. But, what if I had cared about getting good grades and impressing the school staff with dedication and hard work? Who knows. I would probably be a rambling nerd with nothing better to do but watch movies all day, play with Star Wars collector cups, and masturbate every 15 minutes. I can only assume that this one ended up for the better...

There are a million different things I can think of. Like, what if I had kept letting that woman drag me down? I became a successful web designer right after ending that one. What if I had never started smoking? Things would be so much different if I didn't smoke, at least that's what I think anyway. What if I had not flipped my car into someone else's house? Well, I would be able to use my left hand completely, and I would probably still play guitar. Other than that, I think I would still think of myself as indestructible, and do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

As you can see, the list goes on and on and on. If you have one for me to answer, hit me up. Thinking about this is fun for the moment...

South Park Internet Episode

Last night Comedy Central aired an episode of South Park where all of America lost internet. I actually thought it was kind of absurd. The voice acting was really well done, and the animation was really done well. I personally think the story line was kind of dumb though. It seems like they are running out of ideas or something. Don't get me wrong, they have done an incredibly awesome job since they started and I guess they have been able to write some pretty crazy stuff within their history. But, last nights episode was basically sub par. I wasn't really entertained as much as I should have been.

Oh well, I guess that's just the way it goes. I am really hoping that this was just a fluke and they have some better episodes coming up. I suppose they can't all be awesome. What I really want to see is sequel to Team America. I think that would be amazing. Of course, I am not usually the type of person to enjoy sequels, but I think that movie was amazing, and they could totally make something great out of another installment. Or, maybe I am just pissed that I can't just watch the original whenever I want because a douche ass bitch of an ex-girlfriend stole my copy... bitch.

Taco Bell, Beer, and Work

I was thinking about my life today. It's weird, 'cause I am not sad or anything. I guess I just started thinking about my daily routine. Every single day is basically the same. Most of you out there probably feel the same way. But, for giggles, let's take a look at a regular day for FASTERCHILD.

1: Wake Up - Yea, this definitely happens everyday, and I'm getting sick of it!

2: Drive to Work - This part isn't so bad. It gives me some good ol' fashioned alone time to think about new and crazy ideas.

3: Start Working - This part is ok, too. Work doesn't suck, I think it's the having to physically BE at work that sucks. I would rather be free to roam the streets and cause problems for hobos.

4: Go to Lunch - Every single day I eat at Taco Bell. I love it, but, it is probably going to kill me soon if I keep doing that. I think there is a Subway around here somewhere. I will have to think about changing this habit.

5: Go Back to Work - Same deal as before. I think it just sucks knowing that I'm stuck in a building until a certain time, and there's nothing I can do about it.

6: Leave Work - This part is not as awesome as you would think it to be. Basically, I am just leaving to go to another building that I can't leave until a certain time again. But it's cool, 'cause I can at least drink beers at that one.

7: Bed Time - Let the TV put me to sleep just to repeat the whole thing over again.

So, you tell me. Is my life really worth all that? Probably. It's definitely isn't worth any more than that. Oh well.

I want to know what your normal day is like! Comment this with the structure of your day. Let's be sad together :)

This Weekend was....

This weekend was pretty out there. Did a couple of things with the bros. Did a couple of things with the work peeps. Overall, it was pretty cool. Let's break it down for those of you that weren't there for it.

Friday
I don't remember...

Saturday
Started out the day chilling with Nick, a buddy of mine, on the side of the highway. His car just kind of killed itself while he was driving it. So, we hung out there and filmed some stuff. I will see what I can do about posting it a little later. Then, the cops showed up... and were nice. It was weird! We didn't have to yell at him or anything. We got the car towed and we were on our way. We went to Steve O's house in Middletown. We only hung there for a little while because Jay, Steve O, and Jenni were going to Coyote Blue or something. Anyway, me and Nick went skating instead. After they got back from the bar, we hung out again at Steve O's for a little bit.

If you skipped all the boring shit to get to the good stuff, here it is...

I left Steve O's to go to a party in Meriden at MERIDEN Steve O's house. We know a lot of Steve O's for some reason. Anyway, I got there, and it was pretty kickin'. Of course, it didn't take much time for me to hurt someone. I went to the pisser and when I got out, there was this cutish chick hanging out by the table. So, I went over to give her a drunken hug. After that, I started heading for the door, when all the sudden I heard a loud BANG. She had completely fallen over... I was like "what the hell just happened?!". As it turns out, she has a problem with her leg muscles and that's why she was standing so close to the table. But, idiot me decided that I needed to hurt her in some way or something... idiot. To make it up to her, I put a cigarette out on my arm. So, things should be all set with that. After all that, I decided that I needed to wrestle with Steve O. So I jumped him while he was sitting in his chair watching the fire. It was fun, but everyone got serious or something and started trying to drag me off of him. As if I was a mental patient or something.

** Side Note - I wonder if people I don't know think I am crazy when they first meet me. **

Sunday
I went out to Newtown to hang with Mike, the web business manager, Ben, the art director, and their families. I got pretty wasted. Which probably isn't an awesome thing to do while there are a bunch of kids around. But, I think it ended up ok. Mike's a pretty cool dude and so is his wife. Thanks for the invite buddy. There kids are kinda cool, too. Mike swears there crazy, but I have seen much worse. Take me as an example. I was burning down buildings by the time I was 12. these kids wouldn't even burn down there tree house (maybe). Mike's wife tried to tell me that I was going to meet someone, and be stuck in the exact same life as they have someday. I tried to convince her otherwise, but no one ever believes me when I say it's not going to happen. All though, this was the first time I dropped some reasons to my decision. But, it didn't help any. I got "uh-huh'd" until I just shut up. It's cool though. I know people think differently about everything all the time, so there really is no agreeing with anyone ever.

All in all it was a pretty good weekend. I am probably forgetting something. In which case, I will post an updated version if I think of anything. Buuuuut, that's pretty much the meat and potatoes of it.


Now, go cut yourself while your parents aren't looking. They never notice you anyway. It's cool, just do it.

The Guitar Hero

I AM the Guitar Hero! I got Guitar Hero 3 a couple months ago and I have dominated it. Well, thinking about it, I guess I could be better. The only song I can't do on expert is Dragonforce - Through the Fire and Flames. But I will make that song my bitch soon.

Really, the only thing that sucks about kicking the crap out of that game, is trying to find someone that is a challenge to play against. My buddy Scot was pretty close to getting up to my level, but he has been away for about 5 months, and won't be back until May 1st. I am eagerly awaiting his competition. I still can't believe that I have not been able to find a good challenger though. There must be someone out there! All I have found so far is people who talk themselves up a lot. Then, when I go to play them, they are easily destroyed.

Maybe it's just a video game. Maybe I am dwelling on something that really shouldn't matter. The sad thing is that I'm pretty proud of the fact that I am so good at it. But it's true what they say. It's lonely at the top.

CHALLENGE ME DAMN IT!!!

Food and Your Mouth

For those of you that know me, you know that I try my hardest not to eat in front of anyone. Some say this is rude. I say it's the most polite thing in the world for me to do. I haaaate watching people eat and having them watch me. It's really just gross. It's not even just seeing people eat, it's hearing them eat. There are so many gross sounds that come out of your mouth when you are eating. It's unbearable.

In fact, let me say something to all you gum chewers out there. SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH'S! There is no need for you to be chomping away at your gum, full forced, gums flapping every where, waking up abandoned children 10 states away. They need their sleep people. They are abandoned for god's sake. Anyway, it's really a horrible thing to be a part of. For instance, I had to stand next to some girl in an elevator. She was going at her gum like she hadn't eaten for a month. Keep in mind, this was in an elevator. So the sound of her gum was resonating into every pour of my skin. I thought I was going to have to grab her by her hair and start bashing her head against the hand rails until she had to have assistance eating her salad and toast milk shake.

Look, I would say to do something about this, but odds are, you won't. If you DO want to do anything about it, just be aware of your surroundings or something. Every time I witness someone making horrible food sounds, I notice that they are just kind of spacing out. I think that's great that you can drown out yourself with thoughts about what shoes you're going to wear tomorrow. But, I can't. The rest of the world has to suffer while you just sit there being gross.

Let the Chaos Begin!

Hey Everyone,

This is where you will be able to find everything I am thinking, all the time! Can't believe this is finally posted. To be completely honest, I am pretty proud that I got this journal going. I know all you programmers out there are saying... "so what idiot, you posted a blog. You're an idiot!". Well, shut up, don't ruin my day of glory...

Anyway, I will be getting all up on this soon. So keep an eye on it.

Thanks guy :)