goodbye alice in wonderland

This blog is, for me, a chance to get everything that rattles around in my head out for good. To put an end to the questions and doubts in my own mind, and possibly others as well. Also, I'm not surrounded by many good people, or perhaps many that just misunderstand me, but never the less, people I feel that take spiteful joy in my shortcomings. So for me, this is as vulnerable as I will allow myself to get. This is not meant as an explanation, just a journey through my thoughts. I can't promise it will make much sense, but feel free to come along with me

When I think of how it all started, I wonder how we ever got here, how things came to this. The people we were when we first met feel like strangers to me. No, not strangers, more like good friends who have passed away, because at one time, I knew them very well. I can't say the same anymore, for him or myself. I haven't caught sight of the person in him that I fell in love with for so long, I'm starting to wonder if he was ever there to begin with. Sometimes I truly feel I am love with a man who does not exist. What a cruel trick to be played on an unsuspecting, innocent heart. It amazing me even still the way this person I used to consider part of my own soul can so vastly change before my eyes. I can't believe the way he can twist and turn my actions to suit his own selfish justifications. If I catch him in a lie, I'm a suspicious, untrusting bitch, and how dare I check out his story. If I dwell on a past indiscretion, I need to get over it. If I for one moment grieve our relationship, then I'm bi-polar and can't make up my mind. If I stand up for myself in any way or point out that I deserve better, then I am immediately cut down with painful words like ugly, fat, stupid, whore, slut, things that should never be uttered by the man who claims to love you.

Of course these treatments never last long and I'm shortly bombarded with kisses and tears, endless promises for tomorrow and countless "I'm sorry's". But as time passed, with each lie, each item stolen, he changed before my eyes. The man I once looked up to with admiration, who was so bright and intelligent, suddenly looked so small and cheap to me. I had become immune to all the techniques, the clever reasoning that would have once made me doubt my own instincts and conclusions. I couldn't do it anymore. No healthy amount of denial could cover up what our relationship had become. It was time to call it for what it was and try to salvage some sort of mutual respect before we completely destroyed the best in each other. And there are still many things that are good in him. He is so intelligent, so witty, and so full of life, that at times I can't imagine him any other way. But he is so damaged from things he has gone through. I still consider him very strong, because many people would be a lot worse off than him if they had endured the same. His abuse started so young that he was never able to form a structure to build his life on, so in my heart I can't completely blame him. I do understand why he feels the way he does. But it's not enough. I realized I could analyze him, I could even explain his actions perhaps, but I could never forgive him.

It's not just his fault though, I am also to blame. What I was blind to, I was blind because I closed my eyes to it, no one closed them for me. There were so many hints along the way that I chose to ignore, that I just wouldn't see. That I wasn't ready to see. Perhaps one day I will be able to see some purpose in all of this. For now, all I can do it try to appreciate the experience for what it has taught me about life and myself. So many times in the beginning I was so lost. I swallowed every lie behind the simple contentment of being his, of calling him mine. Simple things became so hard to trust him with. He did things I couldn't conceive a person would do. He would say he was going out to the car to get a movie for us to watch. Eight hours later he would sneak in through the back door, crawl into bed and cry about how sorry he was. I was so overcome with pure terror at what could have possibly happened to him that all I felt was relief that he was in my arms, alive, and safe again. But too many times I lied in bed sobbing, waiting for him to open that back door and come into bed. I hated myself for always welcoming him with open arms, damned him for doing this to me over and over, wishing I could lock that door and teach him a lesson. But the fear of what may happen if I gave up on him, of what he had threatened to do, terrified me beyond anything else. So for years I couldn't bring myself to do it. I considered myself selfish for even thinking of placing anger and hate in front of the small chance of risking his life. No amount of pain was worth losing him over. And that frame of mind trapped me in that relationship for so long. And the pain is so great, the fear is so real that it physically hurts and consumes you till it's all you ever feel. But I refused to be a victim of my circumstance. I wanted to rise above the challenges in my life, learn and grow from them. And when you have to be strong, when there is just no acceptable alternative to that, you somehow fish deeper into the well of your very being and find strength you never knew you had.

But it comes at a price. A price I think is too high. It hardens you, takes away your innocence and makes the world a different place. When the person you place all your faith and hope for the future in, that you give yourself completely too, betrays you in ways you never thought possible, how do you trust anyone after that? I don't look at anyone the same. I constantly look for hidden agenda's, ulterior motives that lurk behind every kind gesture. Many people don't deserve that but it can't be helped. I can't allow myself to be vulnerable to anyone anymore. To be betrayed again, at this time in my life, I just wouldn't survive it.

I wish things were different. Of course I have my moments of weakness when I want to go back, give into his promises and try again. I do still love him and always will. I wish he could know how badly I wish things could be like they were. But some things are better left unsaid, untouched like beautiful but poisonous flowers. Sometimes I blame myself so much, I retrace every step, every decision I made, any hurtful thing I said, hating myself for anything I could have possibly done to contribute to his choices. Sometimes it's easier to find blame in yourself, to believe all the put downs you receive. But I believe we both know the truth. In the end, he will be the one who wakes up alone, lost, confused, and very sorry.

I want so badly to continue to believe in love. The kind that's innocent, pure and strong. To find someone who will live for me as I will live for them, and we will be a strong unit, facing life's many uncertainties with the knowledge that our love will remain constant through anything. Sometimes it seems unattainable, an exhausting effort to even attempt to search for such an elusive treasure. But when I do find it, all the pain and struggling will have been worth it. I'm not giving up on my dreams just because one man gave me a nightmare.




**NOTE** while i fully stand by everything said in this blog, i must remind ppl, it was written in a moment of furry during a very dark time in my life. while i do still believe the message it was meant to portray, that you should never settle for being treated less than you feel you deserve, I must remind people that I have not, and never will, let a bad experience harden my heart. I will always believe that people can change, I see people change all the time for the bad, how can I not believe the opposite is true? the most amazing people to me are those that have overcome and are better for it. that of course is a process, and this was written DURING that process.I think many people know who sent me in the furry that created this little blog, but it was mainly directed at myself for allowing myself to be treated that way for sooo long. and I take full responsibility for that and I just want to note that I have the utmost respect for that person, he is a beautiful human being who remains one of my best and truest friends and who amazes me with his potential and strength every single day.

a day in the life

I had a very eventful Saturday. it all started innocent enough. I was spending a nice day with my grandma. she took me to get my hair cut and then out to lunch. we had a great talk and i was thinking how nice this day was turning out to be.

that should have been a warning.

the last stop was walmart, she wanted to get some wreaths for her door. so I pull into the parking lot, park the car, and get my grandma's cane. she doesn't walk too well because she had a stroke a few years back. so i always hold her arms and she goes SO slow. so here we are making our way into the store.

keep in mind this next part happens in like 30 seconds. it feels like it happened so fast, but at the same time i remember everything that ran through my head.

I see this car backing out a few slots up, cutting the wheel to swing the car around. the car is coming towards us but it was far enough away that I'm thinking it's obviously going to stop. and then he doesn't. he keeps coming. at first I'm like jeez this idiot should look where he's going. but I'm still thinking he's gunna see us right?? i mean duh. but he still keeps coming. so at this point I'm mad, i start yelling at him to stop, but still nothing. then i get scared. i realize there is def no time to move my grandmother because she walks so slow like i said. so i start screaming for him to stop. but he's still coming. i was so scared, honestly thinking he was going to run us over, my grandma is screaming, and i think she's gunna have a heart attack. he got close enough that i put my hand up and start banging on his back window. this finally catches the driver's attention, he slams on his brakes. but my grandma had already started to try to get out of the way and had fallen in the process. she's on the ground crying in pain, and as i rush to go to her side, the asshole drives away!! people rush over and call an ambulance and the police. they put my grandma on a stretcher. the cop starts asking me for info, and then he stops. He says "how do i know u?" fuck. for those of u who don't know me, i had an apt in Cromwell and it was a disaster. i had fucked up people in my life during that time, and there was alot of chaos. people were always there, being loud, having parties, causing problems etc . the cops knew that address by heart. and the cops at walmart just happened to have been there a few times. so i tell him i used to live on nordland all he says is "oh". then all he asks me is "did the car hit you", i say no cuz it technically didn't, but almost, and he says OK then, and leaves! that's it! i wasn't even thinking about that at the moment, i followed my grandma to the ER and all that. she had a broken hip and needed surgery. so then i get to thinking about the cops. I call them and ask if they need a statement, i have the licence plate, etc, and they proceed to tell me that because the car didn't actually hit us, there is nothing they can do!! wtf!? that is total bullshit. i know they didn't hit us, but that's because i had to bang on their window to make then stop, and they didn't actually hit my grandmother but she fell because of them and is now in the hospital and needs surgery!! so wtf is up with that?? they tell me we can sue them if we want but it is out of their hands.

i am so pissed. that is just ridiculous and unjust. and the worst part is, i know it's because of the preconceived notions they have about me because of that old apt. and that is not fair at all. i feel just awful, my grandma just spent all this money on me and now she's in the hospital. and i feel like now the cops don't care about what happened to her because I'm her granddaughter. UGH


but to end on a positive note, she had the surgery and should start walking again soon, so it all ended ok i suppose.